Played
by xSucksToYourAss-marx
Summary: My name is Craig Tucker. I made a deal with Kenny, which was basically getting this twitchy kid named Tweek to kiss me. Seemed easy enough...I just never saw what was coming. Craig/Tweek
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first South Park fiction ever! So uh…please read it! **

***Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or any of the characters/settings mentioned in this story. **

**Played**

**[So I Made This Deal] **

Let me introduce myself. My name is Craig Tucker and I am sixteen years-old. I live in a small place named South Park. If there were such a phrase as "hick-town" in the dictionary, and you looked it up, South Park would basically be the definition. Small, in the middle of nowhere, and full of (probably) inbred red-necks. Anyway, back to me. I, Craig Tucker, like things boring; thus, making me a very boring person. I've also got the voice to match. I wear the same thing everyday; a blue sweatshirt with black jeans and—of course—a matching chullo hat with a yellow puff ball on the top. As for my looks, they are beautifully average; from my bright blue eyes to my slightly pimpled chin. I have about a million acquaintances, but only two actual friends. Their names are Token and Clyde, and we've known each other for about as long as I can remember. They are also very average…well except for Token because his family is fucking loaded.

In a perfect world, my life would be boring and uneventful. I would go through the entire day, knowing exactly what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. But sadly, that's not the way South Park works. Every week, some crazy shit manages to threaten the town's existence or just fuck everything up. The fault for these events, I have concluded, is a group of four dick heads named: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick. It may seem unbelievable, but in one day this group of cock suckers managed to get me deported to Peru. And, it is because of that, that I cannot _stand _them. However, out of all the boys, there is one I have grown up to hate the most.

Kenny.

Surprised right? Yeah, I bet you were thinking it was Cartman because he's a complete douche bag, or Kyle because he's a smart-ass, or Stan because he's a fucking jock. Nope, it's Kenny, because that damn kid _won't leave me the hell alone_! (You see, I even wrote down an exclamation point, that's how much I hate him, I rarely use exclamation points) Around sixth grade Kenny had the reputation for being the class whore. He would chase after anything that was breathing and remotely resembled a human being. Around eighth grade, I was the object of his affection, and I found myself being dry humped every other hour of school. He wanted to get into my pants, because at the time, there were also rumors about me being a pretty good fuck. So ever since those, that damn blonde has been all over me. I know his feelings are nothing close to love; he's just a horny bastard.

However…

It's because of Kenny that you have a story to read in front of you at this moment. Because, if it weren't for his constant pestering and groping hands, I would have never noticed an old friend of mine named Tweek Tweak.

XXX

It was Monday, the first day of a new semester in my junior year of high school. Park County High is nothing to brag about, which is why I didn't bother to write it in my introduction earlier. Just picture a large brick building with a few cars parked in front of it (the parking lot is very small, because almost no kid in South Park owned a car). Huh, where was I?

It was Monday, and I just got out of my Trig class. I was a bit drowsy, because numbers always managed to lull me to sleep. To be honest, I usually slept in Trig, but still managed to get a B+ in the class. What can I say? I like numbers; they play by strict rules that never really change. Anyway, I have math class fourth period, which is the hour before lunch. I walked to my locker slowly, with my back-pack lazily slung over one shoulder. Clyde would be at my locker soon, and together we would walk down to the Cafeteria and find Token sitting at our usual table. Just as I predicted, I was greeted by the slightly chubby brunette as I retrieved my bag lunch.

"Sup Craig?" He said cheerfully, and I flipped him off before shutting my locker. He ignored the common gesture. "I've got some…interesting news for you." He wiggled his eyebrows, as if that was supposed to make me more interested.

"And what would that be?" I asked monotonously.

"I heard from Kevin that, that chick Red is into you." Clyde smirked.

"Oh really." I didn't give a shit.

"Yeah man, you should go for her, she's totally hot."

"She is pretty hot." I shrugged. I'm a guy, what can I say?

"Maybe you guys could get together." Clyde continued. I began to get a bit irritated; I knew where this was going. "I think you two would make a good couple." I flipped him off and he groaned.

"I've told you a million times that I'm not into dating right now." I growled. It was completely true; do you think I would screw up my daily routine for some chick? No way, I'll just hit and ditch.

"Come on Craig, I can't remember the last time you dated someone! Keep this up and people will think you're a fag or something."

"Jesus Christ Clyde, forgive me for enjoying myself before I'm married off to a cousin or some shit." I grumbled as the cafeteria's entrance was coming into view. Speaking of fags, I noticed a familiar figure dressed in orange leaning against the door way. I let out an agitated groan and flipped off the ceiling, thus flipping off God for putting Kenny McCormick on this planet. Clyde snickered beside me.

"Well, if you're not interested in Red, at least you've got Kenny." He chuckled, and I socked him in the arm. Clyde let out a whimper and pouted angrily.

The blonde boy began sauntering our way, putting an arm around me as he winked at Clyde's amused expression. The brunette chuckled and patted me on the back, quickly picking up his pace. "I'll meet you at the table." A flash of my finger and he was already through the cafeteria doors. I shoved Kenny away from me before also showing him my favorite gesture. The boy just shook his head and laughed.

"Oh Craig, someday you'll be moaning out my name." He said dreamily, and I couldn't help but vomit at the thought as we were walking into the lunch room.

"Fuck you faggot, get out of my face."

"You know," Kenny sighed, "I'm beginning to think that you don't want to have me around." His blue eyes stared at me with false sadness that would have made anyone else's heart break. But, I wasn't anyone else; I was Craig tucker, so I just flashed him the bird again. Kenny pouted.

"It's about damn time that got through your thick skull." I mumbled, making my way to my usual lunch table. Unfortunately, Kenny decided to slip an arm around my shoulder yet again. He forced the both of us to a stop. I was about to shove him roughly off of me again, but his next words made me hesitate.

"Well, I've thought about it, and I'm going to leave you alone…" I opened my mouth for a witty response but he cut me off, "…if you are able to accomplish something highly improbable." I raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Dude you're full of shit."

"No I'm not! I swear on my life that I'll leave you alone." He huffed. I smirked, unable to resist myself.

"Knowing you, that doesn't mean much." Kenny quickly let go of me and graced me with a rare glare. Oops, struck a nerve.

"Fine," he rolled his eyes, "I'll swear on Butters' life." Once again I raised an eyebrow. Everyone knew Kenny had a soft spot for Butters. He didn't really joke around when it came to that pussy.

"Okay, so what is it?" I shrugged impatiently. This was cutting into my precious lunch period.

"You have to get someone to kiss you." Kenny stated, as if he were extremely clever. "On the lips!" He added quickly. There were a few moments of silence before I genuinely chuckled (not laugh, I never laugh). Kenny was still eying me like he was such the smart-ass.

"Jesus, that's it?" I smirked and began scoping the cafeteria. "Alright McCormick, just hang here for a few minutes." I began to walk toward Red's table but Kenny caught me by the arm, and waggled a bandaged finger in my face.

"Ah, ah Craig." He mused, "You have to get that kid to kiss you." He pointed to the corner of the lunch room, and my gaze followed his arm until it rested on a twitchy blonde kid sitting alone at a lunch table. He was constantly vibrating, and his mouth was mumbling silent nonsense as his large eyes darted from one table to another. His thin hands were curled around a silver thermos, which inevitably was full of coffee. My face contorted into a frown as I wrenched my arm out of Kenny's hand.

"You want me to kiss Tweek Tweak?" I growled.

"No, I want Tweek Tweak to kiss you." I folded my arms across my chest and glared back in Tweek's direction. God, he hadn't changed in the years that I've stopped hanging out with him. The kid's hair was still sprung out in every direction, and he still had his shirt buttoned incorrectly. The only difference was that Tweek looked a bit taller, but not much, since his significant caffeine intake had stunted his growth.

"Dude," I finally said, "I'm not a fag like you are. I don't kiss guys." Especially not Tweek.

"Fine." Kenny latched onto my arm again. "Mind if I join you for lunch?" I groaned and shoved him off of me again. The thought of Kenny McCormick out of my life forever was looking more and more appealing. I found myself glancing at Tweek again.

"Ugh, I'll do it." I mumbled. "It can't be that hard anyway, the kid is probably desperate for any kind of sexual attention." I said flatly. Kenny began laughing again. I gritted my teeth and bit back a million curse words.

"If only," he said, "I'd love to hear that cutie shout my name." The blonde licked his lips perversely before saying, "He claims to be 'a-sexual'." I ignored Kenny's previous statement and shrugged nonchalantly, walking to my table, desperate to eat my fucking lunch.

"Alright I'll do it," I said as I walked away, not bothering to look back at Kenny, "Count your last few days of harassing me faggot." I didn't turn as I heard the blonde respond.

"And don't try lying Tucker, I'll ask Tweek, that kid can't lie for shit!" I rolled my eyes and sat down to finally begin eating. Kenny was such a dumb-ass; this was going to be so easy. I mean, who didn't want a piece of me?

I wasn't aware of how fucking wrong I was.

**Review if you liked it please ^^**


	2. Chapter 2

**What the Hell? Two updates in ONE DAY? Hold on! Let me explain! **

**I've already had these two chapters written before I decided to post them, so I just decided to post this one as well. And I would like to apologize for Craig's potty mouth D:. I actually thought about fixing that when I posted the story, but then got lazy. Anyway, the third chapter won't be too far off, but unlike this one, I still need to write it!**

***Disclaimer: I don't own any rights, characters, or settings to South Park **

**[Spaceman Craig] **

During the second half of the school day, I was creating my master plan to get Tweek to kiss me. I came up with two brilliant ideas that were practically fool proof. I was in English class, idly doodling on my notebook while the teacher droned on about archetypes (God I fucking HATE those things, I can't ever watch a movie the same way again). Anyway, I decided to make use of my brain by thinking about the stupid deal I made with Kenny. Here's what I came up with…

**Plan A: **I was going to find the twitchy kid after school and simply order him to kiss me. I was 100% sure this was going to work, and I knew that Tweek would comply because I'd make sure to scare him shitless (which isn't that hard to do anyway). This was my more favorable plan, because by the next day, my life would be McCormick free.

**Plan B: **I wasn't a big fan about this preparation, but I figured I'd make a back-up, just incase Plan A didn't work. Using my Craig-like charm, I would get Tweek to fall in love with me (or whatever), thus getting him to kiss me. Yeah, I know that sounds like the douchiest (is that even a word?) thing anyone has EVER done, but remember who is telling the story here. Craig Tucker. I don't give a shit if I'm a douche bag, as long as I win in the end.

So, by the time English ended, I packed up my things with a victorious smirk on my face. Unfortunately, the smirk turned into a frown when I saw a familiar boy dressed in orange outside the classroom door. Annoyed, I flipped off the teacher (who was used to it by now and pretended not to see) and growled as Kenny placed a gloved hand in mine. The blonde began dragging me in the direction of my locker.

"What do you want?" I mumbled. "I have something important to do right now." Kenny just gave me a stupid grin.

"I wanted to go over the rules for the deal we made." He laughed.

"There're rules now?" Great (hope you can sense heavy sarcasm).

"Of course," Kenny mused, swinging our hands jovially. I would have fucking killed him if it weren't for the fact that he would probably come back. "First rule is that he must kiss you."

"I know that one dumb-ass." He ignored my comment.

"Second rule, is that you cannot force him to kiss you." Shit. There goes Plan A. "And, the third rule is that you can't tell him about this deal."

"Why not?" I asked irritably, ripping my hand from his as I unlocked my locker.

"Because, that's no fun." Kenny sang. I shoved all of my books into my locker and slammed it shut. Slinging my back-pack over my shoulder I flipped Kenny off.

"You better leave me the hell alone after all of this, McCormick." I growled.

"Cross my heart and hope to die." He chuckled. I began to walk away; I didn't want to see his shit-face anymore. Kenny called after me, "You can find Tweek at Harbuck's! He works there!" Someone held the front door to the school open for me and I flipped them off rudely. Harbuck's; of course Tweek worked there. It's a wonder the kid was still alive.

On my way to the coffee shop I realized how long it had been since I've gone there. Around third grade, it was like my second home.

After Tweek and I had a fight (which was instigated by my favorite group of third-graders), we got to talking in the hospital. I thought he was pretty cool, and invited him to be a member of my group. From third to sixth grade, we were classified best friends. Almost everyday after school Tweek and I would go to Harbuck's and drink sugary concoctions. Of course, I never had coffee, it was usually hot chocolate. I liked hanging out with Tweek, because he would always play the games I wanted him to without complaining (*cough cough* CLYDE).

My favorite game as a child would be Spaceman Craig. At first, it was Token, Clyde, Tweek, and me. But then, Token and Clyde went off to play some stupid super-hero shit, so that left Tweek and me. I kept the game on a strict story-line, which went something like this…

Brave Spaceman Craig would crash land onto an alien planet (my back yard) and suddenly be captured by the planet's intelligent population. But, while I was imprisoned, Tweek (one of the aliens), decided to betray his own kind and help me escape. He broke me out of prison (my mom's minivan) and together we fought our way back to my ship. Being technologically advanced, Tweek would fix up my spaceship so I could finally go home. But, Spaceman Craig was really considerate (I don't know where that trait has gone off to now) and offered to take Tweek back to Earth with him. Then, the game would end with me teaching Tweek about Earthy things and making him my pet alien.

Wow, I was such a homo.

Tweek's paranoia as a child just seemed to get worse the older he got. He would shriek out one of his crazy conspiracy theories every few minutes. The kid would grab at his blonde hair so much, that I wondered why he wasn't bald. As Tweek's fear of the world became more prominent, kids began to distance themselves away from the boy; including me. He was ruining my growing social reputation. I never really confronted Tweek about our ended friendship; I simply stopped talking to him. He would sit at my lunch table and I would move to another. He'd say hello to me in the halls and I would ignore him. After about a month, the twitchy boy had taken the hint and left me alone. There was something different about him after that. Whenever I would catch a rare glimpse of him, I'd see it. There was something missing in his eyes. I could never actually name it though, because I didn't care enough to search.

Yeah I know—I'm an ass-whole.

I was actually so caught up on old memories that I was surprised to see Harbuck's looming into view at the end of the road. Despite "the rules" that Kenny had mentioned earlier, my confidence was still on a high. I never had trouble getting people to like me. Girls seemed to worship the ground I walked on; even though my looks weren't all that great (it's probably because we live in South Park…slim pickings and all). I knew how to get a person turned on, guy or girl. Seriously, Clyde mentioned that if he had to go gay for anyone, it would probably be me. So, when I opened the door to the small coffee shop, an attractive smirk had smeared itself onto my face.

A small bell clanged above me, to indicate my arrival. The noise was accompanied with a muffled "ack" from the back of the store. I stuffed one hand in my pocket and strode over to the counter with a special sway in my step. I could see Tweek fixing up someone else's order, so his back was turned to me. God damn he was skinny. There was an apron tied secularly around his shivering body, and it hugged his waist snuggly. I stepped into line (well not really a big line, there was just that one guy in front of me) and watched Tweek curiously. I was amazed that he managed to create beverages at all with his shaking hands. When the blonde turned around to hand the customer his order, I was surprised to see a dark green (same color as his apron) bandana around his face, covering his mouth. His unruly hair must have covered where it was tied behind his head, because I didn't notice it.

"Thank—ngh—you for choosing Harbuck's! Ack! Have a nice…d-day!" His muffled voice said from behind the cloth, and his right eye gave a peculiar twitch. The man just nodded awkwardly and left, the bell signaling his departure. Now it was only him and me in the store. Huh, must be a slow day.

Tweek was busy fiddling with his thumbs, so he hadn't noticed me yet. Plastering a nice smirk on my face (once again), I took a step forward and cleared my throat. The blonde flinched violently before looking up at me. His large (and when I say large, I mean fucking HUGE) green eyes snapped up to my head, and for rare bizarre moment he was frozen. The bandana around his mouth began to puff in and out as his breath picked up in a manner of distress. Finally, after a million gay babies were born, he spoke.

"W-welcome to Harbuck's, how can I help you!" He squealed from behind the bandana. I couldn't help but notice that his hands were slowly rising, as if he wasn't aware of it, and burying themselves in his messy fair hair.

"Hey Tweek, it's been awhile." I cooed sexily as I leaned against the counter toward him. He really was small, at least a head shorter than me. Tweek gave a short squeak and suddenly his hands were out of his hair and pushing my arm off of the marble counter top. I backed up a little bit—surprised.

"Ack, s-sorry! I just wiped the counter clean!" He slapped himself on the forehead before shakily asking me again, "How can I—erk—help you?" I gave him another sexy smirk, but it didn't seem to win a reaction.

"Well, not by getting me coffee." Oh, and I should mention that he had been practically vibrating in place the entire time.

"Augh! Then why a-are you here?" His muffled voice screeched confusedly as he brought his hands to his hair once again. This kid must have roots of steal. Before I could answer, he cut me off, leaning forward against the counter, keeping his hands in his blonde locks. "Oh God, the government is probably after you!" He squeeked from behind the bandana. "D-don't worry Craig, we have a back room I can stow you in! You can—ack—hide in one of the—ngh—crates we have!" I wanted to chuckle at Tweek's complete erotic imagination. He hasn't changed at all. So, before he could drag me away and stuff me into a box I took out a crumpled dollar bill.

"What? No Tweek, no one's after me. I'll just take a plain coffee or whatever." I said as I smoothly slid it to the twitching mess. "I just wanted to stop by and say hello." I breathed out. I could see Tweek raise an eyebrow as he took the dollar and placed it into the register. He mumbled something, but I couldn't catch it from behind the 'mask' he was wearing. "Hmm…what was that?" He kept his eyes glued to the coffee maker as he poured me a cup.

"I s-said that it's kind of late—ngh—for that…" My breath hitched momentarily, and I felt something odd ache near my heart, somewhere deep in my chest. I pulled myself together again as he turned back to me.

"Why are you wearing that thing on your face?" I blurted, for once feeling a bit awkward. The smirk on my face faltered a bit.

"Ngh…it helps me keep my voice down for the—ack—customers." Tweek slid the small coffee over to me and kept his eyes to the floor. Something odd kept twisting and twirling in my chest, and for a moment I thought I was having a fucking stroke. Hell, today was not my day, I wasn't going to get Tweek to kiss me feeling like this. I must be sick. I took the coffee and sipped at it.

"Huh, well I think that's unnecessary." I mumbled, taking a step back and turning toward the door. What Tweek said next stopped me in my tracks.

"C-Craig, how's—erk—Stripes doing?" Stripes, my beloved guinea pig. I was blown away that Tweek even remembered his name. Clyde and Token didn't even bother to memorize it, yet after all these years…

"Uh…"I didn't turn to face him, because my face felt oddly warm (must be from the coffee), "yeah he's pretty old, but he's good." Seriously, Stripes is probably the oldest fucking guinea pig on this planet. I have no idea how he is still alive.

"I'm glad." Tweek murmured, and I left the store quickly after that.

What the hell? Maybe this won't be as easy as I thought.

**Okay, I'm done for today :p **


	3. Chapter 3

**Review if you liked it ^^?**

***Disclaimer: I own nothing from South Park D: **

**[Frosted Flakes]**

It was only when I was walking home that I realized I'd missed my Red Racer re-run. This was serious business. I NEVER miss Red Racer, so when I got home, I was considerably pissed off. My parents were wise enough to stay clear of me when I stomped into the kitchen. I unceremoniously flipped them off while wrenching the freezer door open. My younger sister, Ruby, was sitting at the counter, smirking at my distressed mood.

"Craig, you should have a social-life after school more often. It was nice having the TV." She giggled. I yanked a Hot Pocket out of its package and threw it into the micro-wave. My parents left the kitchen, mumbling something about taxes while I gave Ruby the bird.

"Don't get used to it." I growled, waiting for my artificial food to heat up.

"So, what were you doing that made you miss Red Racer?" She smirked, looking up from her homework. I noticed that her shit was strewn all over the place. It looked like she was doing math. Being the good brother that I am, I swiftly walked to where her text book was laying and tossed it onto the floor. It hit the hardwood with a loud bang. Ruby began whining and flipping me off just as the micro-wave indicated my food was ready.

"Detention." I lied, not really sure why I needed to. I grabbed my Hot Pocket, ignoring the fact that it was burning the shit out of my hand, and left the kitchen (Yeah, I was too lazy to grab a plate).

Personally, I really like neat things. My locker at school is really well organized, my wallet doesn't have a million receipts sticking out of it, and I keep myself very clean by showering everyday. That's why, when people walk into my room for the first time, they are legitimately surprised to see that it looks like a fucking bomb went off. I keep my clothes wrinkled and on the floor (eh they all look the same anyway), my bed is never made (seriously, I'll just mess it up again), and my desk is drowning in a million pounds of paper. I'd have to say the neatest thing in my room is Stripes' cage, which is on a small wooden table in front of my bedroom window.

I dump my backpack on the floor near my desk, and shove half of the Hot Pocket into my mouth before choking and spitting it up again. "Fuck." I snarl, kicking the regurgitated food under a notebook. It was still really damn hot, so I threw the other half on the floor. I wasn't even that hungry anyway.

At the sound of my voice, Stripes emerged from his little hut. He squeaked adorably (you won't find this word written a lot by me. It is a word I only reserve for Stripes) and began chewing the metal bars of his cage. I walked over to the cage and gifted him with a rare smile (another thing only reserved for Stripe).

"Let's play some Xbox." I told him, opening the cage. Grabbing the furry bastard, I then plopped onto my bed, and proceeded doing something useful that evening, instead of doing homework.

XXX

I woke up to my alarm clock at 6:45 (as I did every week day), and ensued with my morning routine. First I showered, brushed my teeth, put on some Pro-Active (which burns my face…so I guess that means it should be working); fixed my jet black hair, and finally got dressed into the same thing I wear everyday. Pulling on my sacred hat was the last thing I did when it came to getting ready for school. I was prepared for another boring day, until I remembered yesterday's events.

Fuck you, Kenny.

XXX

Alright, so I created another master plan in Chemistry to get Tweek to kiss me. I don't know why I hadn't thought about it before. In fact, it was so brilliant, that I wanted to brag about it to my lab partner.

**Plan C: **Get Tweek drunk.

This was so much easier than going through the long process of "love" or whatever. It was only Tuesday, and I knew (from experience) someone out there would be throwing a party—for no reason at all—by the end of the week. Since I'm kind of a popular guy, I usually was either invited, or heard about parties. So, this week, I would get close to Tweek. Earning friendship status, I'd invite him to a party, and then make him fucking drink until he was out of his mind.

Not even the sight of Kenny sitting next to me in History could bring me down. We had a substitute that just handed us a work sheet, meaning we could work on it individually, or with a partner. It didn't take the orange clad boy long to scoot his desk right up against mine. He set his elbows on the table, resting his head in the palms of his hands. I noticed that he had multiple bandages stuck to his face and fingers, but I didn't give enough of a shit to ask why.

"So," Kenny began, "I heard you stopped by Harbuck's after school yesterday." He mused.

"Yep." I answered blandly.

"You know, he leaves school a period early so he can work there." Kenny said, watching my face curiously. For some reason, this piqued the tiniest bit of interest.

"Really?" My voice was still monotonous, "Lucky bastard, why's he get to leave early?"

"I dunno," the blonde shrugged, "Tweek just says it's because he can't focus by the end of the day, and he doesn't plan on getting into college anyway." I stared at Kenny, kind of stunned. How much did he know about the twitchy freak?

"He doesn't want to go to college? Well fuck, I'd hate to stay in this shit-faced town." I snort, internally cringing on the idea of staying in South Park for the remainder of my life.

"Nah, he said picking a college is too much pressure." Kenny then chuckled darkly. "That's fine with me though. Considering I'm not going to college either, it means I'll get Tweek all to myself; even if he is asexual." And, for reasons I can't explain, that deeply bothered me. Seriously, it bothered me to the point of anger. I don't know why, I didn't even know Tweek. Yet, the thought of him being alone with Kenny; it fucking drove me up the wall. I reasoned that it must be because I hate Kenny so much, I didn't want anyone to share my fate of being bothered with him.

"Whatever." I mumbled. "As soon as this deal is over, I can forget about you and Tweek 'Twitch' Tweak." Kenny only chuckled, which made me irritated.

"Yep," the blonde laughed, playing with a bandage that was wrapped around his finger. I flipped him off.

"What made you come up with this anyway?" I asked, referring to the deal we had made.

"I'm doing you a favor!" Kenny stuck his tongue out at me defensively. "You'll be thanking me when this is over. And I swear that I'll never bug you again." I continued showing him my favorite finger for the rest of the period.

XXX

I walked with Clyde to the cafeteria, as I did everyday. Then, I sat down at my usual table where Token was waiting for us, just like normal. But, this time I turned around in my seat so I could see Tweek's shadowed table in the corner, where the blonde himself was playing with a bag of Frosted Flakes and mumbling to himself. I was glad that he only wore that God damn bandana at work, he looked a lot better with it off. I began waving in his direction and calling out his name. The blonde glanced up at me and nearly pissed himself. I could feel Token and Clyde's confused stares digging into my back. A dark hand grasped my shoulder and turned me back around.

"Dude," Token said with his soft authoritative voice, "what are you doing?"

"I'm calling Tweek over here." I shrugged.

"Why?" Clyde piped in worriedly, glaring in the twitchy boy's direction.

"Because I want him to eat with us, is that so bad?" I growled, unpacking a peanut-butter sandwich.

"Uhm yes," Clyde whined, "we haven't talked to him in like…" Clyde counted on his fingers, "…forever!"

"Who cares?" I got out of my seat; this wasn't going to work unless I got Tweek to sit with us. "Maybe I'm feeling nice today." A skeptical look from Token told me he wasn't buying it, so I just flipped him off, before sauntering to Tweek's table.

He had his huge green eyes pasted onto the dirty plastic surface, where he was stacking Frosted Flakes into a tower from the small baggy he had. There was, of course, a silver thermos next to him, and he was once again mumbling incoherently to himself. God knew what the hell he was talking about.

I smirked attractively when I reached his table and cleared my throat. Tweek shrieked, sending the frosted flake tower to the ground. He whimpered and looked up at me, hands automatically pulling the roots of his platinum blonde hair.

"Gah—what is it?" He squealed.

"I was wondering if you'd like to eat lunch at my table." I said smoothly, stuffing my hands into my pockets.

"No way! That's too much pressure man!" His wide eyes left mine, and he began collecting his little flakes of cereal off of the table. I was kind of annoyed that he wouldn't take up on my offer. I was Craig Tucker. People would _love_ to sit at my table. So, instead of being intelligent and asking him nicely again, I childishly sneered and took his thermos from him. Tweek screeched in alarm. "My coffee!" I ignored him, and walked back to my table, setting the thing down next to me. Token and Clyde were speechless.

I guess I didn't really think things through, because before I knew it, the silver thermos was snatched up by thin trembling hands. Tweek squeaked nervously at Clyde and Token before taking off, running out of the lunch room.

"Damn Craig, you are so smooth." Clyde joked, before shoveling his face with more food. I flipped him off.

"Token," I said, as if nothing out-of-the-ordinary just happened, "you should have a party on Friday."

"Yeah dude!" Clyde chimed in, spitting half of his mouth's contents on the table. The dark boy just raised an eyebrow at the both of us.

"Why?"

"Who cares?" I shrugged. "Your house is massive, and it's been forever since you've had people over." Clyde nodded his head enthusiastically. Token was silent for a few minutes, before heaving out a defeated sigh.

"Yeah alright, but it's not going to be too big, so don't go inviting people from other schools." He glared in the direction of a grinning brunette. "_Clyde." _

"Why are you blaming me for what happened last time?" Clyde whined. "You're family has enough money to replace a few lamps and TVs anyway."

We laughed (actually, I chuckled) and finished our lunches. Everything was going as planned. I just needed to find Tweek after school.

XXX

I walked to Harbuck's contently, knowing that Red Racer was recording on the TV at home, so I could watch it later. It was pretty fucking cold out today, and I cursed myself for forgetting my gloves at my house. It didn't matter much though, because the coffee shop was already looming into view.

I unceremoniously pushed open the glass door, and heard the chime of the bell soon afterward. Tweek was handing some girl her coffee, and I frowned. He looked really bizarre with that green cloth around the bottom half of his face. Whose stupid idea was it anyway? I removed the ugly frown from my face and walked confidently to the counter.

"Hey Tweek," I greeted casually. The blonde made a series of small noises before glaring quietly in my direction. I assumed it must have been because of what happened at lunch. "I'm sorry for taking your thermos." I said, trying to sound like I actually cared. "I just…really want to be friends with you again." Damn, that last part sounded good. There should be, like, a lying competition or something, because I'd win.

"W-why?" Tweek pulled awkwardly at the green bandana that I hated so much.

"What do you mean why?" I asked kind of confused.

"Why do you—ngh—want to be friends with me again? It's not like I've gotten any better…gah!" As if to prove his point, his body contorted into an odd spasm, and his right eye twitched closed.

"I miss you," I shrugged. "And, I feel like a complete ass-whole for just cutting you out of my life like I did." Huh, this stuff wasn't that hard to say, it's like it wasn't even a lie to me. But, I knew this gooey speech wouldn't be enough for Tweek to grace me with his time. The conversation from yesterday suddenly popped into my mind. "Stripes misses you," I said quickly, "I was thinking after your shift that you'd come over and visit him. He's getting really old." Tweek eyes lit up with curiosity.

"S-Stripes?"

"Yeah, he wants to see you." I smirked, knowing I got Tweek right where I wanted him. The blonde was silently shaking, and then he hesitantly gave me an answer.

"Ngh…my shift ends in a—ack—hour. I'll just meet you at you're house later?" He murmured, twiddling his thumbs awkwardly. I just nodded coolly.

"Yeah, you remember where it is?"

"Ack—YES!" Tweek shrunk back from his loud and quick response. It almost made me want to smile…_almost_.

"Sweetish." I chuckled, and exited the store. Oh, and sweetish is a dorky thing I made up a while ago…it's basically the same thing as saying sweet (yeah I know, I'm clever, now go out and use that word with your friends).

XXX

I could bore you all and write a few paragraphs about what I did while waiting for Tweek, but honestly, it would be a waste of space; because I didn't do anything. Seriously, I didn't even straighten up my room. So, I'll just skip to the good stuff.

XXX

The door bell rang rather conveniently, because my Red Racer episode had just ended. My parents were still at work, and Ruby was in her bedroom listening to Hannah Montana music so loud that I would be surprised if she could hear a tornado siren. I jumped off of the couch (a bit too excitedly) and opened the door. Tweek stood in the cold, with nothing on but his poorly buttoned green polo shirt and some jeans (duh).

"Jesus Christ, get in here." Something odd was poking at the words escaping my mouth. Was I…worried? Nah.

The blonde let out a strangled 'gah' and flinched into the house. I closed the front door quickly, not letting in any more of the cold.

"Can I get you anything?" I asked politely. Tweek poked his fingers together shyly and looked at the floor.

"A cup of—ngh—coffee would be nice." He said softly. I had to hold back the urge to role my eyes. _Of course. _

Luckily there was still some in the pot from my parents this morning. I poured a mug to the brim and stuck it into the microwave for a few seconds to warm it up. Tweek shifted uneasily in the doorway of the kitchen.

"I don't bite." I said jokingly, but then wished I could take it back when I saw the horrified look on Tweek's face.

"Why were you thinking I'd think you would bite me?" He raved, burying his hands into his hair, "Oh God! Are you a cannibal? Don't eat me! I'm way too scrawny man!" I couldn't help but chuckle at Tweek's growing rant.

"I'm not a cannibal." I smirked, taking the hot coffee out of the microwave. I handed it to Tweek, who didn't hesitate to take a long gulp. "Come on," I said, "let's go see Stripes."

I almost wanted to laugh to myself. Everything was going smoothly. Soon, I'd get Tweek to the party, give him ridiculous amounts of alcohol, and get him to kiss me. Then, Kenny would finally leave me alone, and I'd be able to drop Tweek just like I did in sixth grade. Maybe this wasn't going to be so hard after all.


	4. Chapter 4

**I would like to say a giant THANK YOU to all of you who reviewed and favorite/subscribed to this story! It made me super happy! I'm starting school on Thursday, so updates may take a bit longer because Junior Year is going to be a pain -_-. ANYWAY, enjoy the chapter ^^ and review if you want (please?). **

***Disclaimer: I don't own South Park (or Pepsi…for that matter) **

**[Commando] **

I think the most wonderful (and as in wonderful I mean awful) part of having Tweek over to my lovely abode was the fact that he _refused to set foot into my room. _Like, seriously, I had to actually block out his scratchy voice after three minutes so I wouldn't get offended. I opened the boring white wooden door and (like any gentleman) offered ladies first. Tweek smiled tentatively at me before his eyes focused on the floor of my bedroom. And, though I didn't think it was even possible, his fucking huge-ass orbs got even WIDER than they were before. I might as well have opened a door to his mutilated family.

"Jesus Christ!" He shrieked, taking a large step backwards, "I'm not g-going in there!" I frowned and kicked an empty can of Pepsi away from my foot.

"Its okay Tweek," I reassured him politely, "I just haven't cleaned up in a bit. Everything in here is harmless." I left the shivering mass of flesh in the hallway and walked into my room slowly. At every piece of trash my foot hit, Tweek would scream like it might chomp off my toes.

"N-no way man! You just—ngh—want to bring me in there so you can _kill _me!" He gulped down a massive amount of coffee before continuing. "There are probably monsters under all those clothes! AUGH! Or rats that want to viciously eat my _brain_!" There were countless more theories that he was spewing out, but honestly I don't remember them.

I heaved a sigh and flipped off Kenny in my head. It was his damn fault that I had to bother bringing this kid over to my house. Then, I let my eyes settle on Tweek once more. I knew that Stripe wouldn't be enough to lure him into my room. And, begging (not that I would ever do that) probably wouldn't work either. Luckily, I was friends with Tweek once, so I kind of understood how his mind worked. Considering he hasn't changed much in the last five years, I figured the theory that was running through my head would be successful.

"Calm down." I barked, and Tweek covered his mouth with a trembling hand. "This mess isn't hiding any monsters, Tweek. In fact, my room is probably safer than _any _of the rooms in South Park." This caught his attention. Slowly, he brought his hand back to his side.

"W-why?" Tweek almost whispered. Good, I got him.

I looked around, as if the information I was about to speak was incredibly important. Taking a step toward him, I whispered dramatically. "You know the…underpants gnomes?" His green eyes flashed with recognition, and Tweek nodded his head so fast that he probably killed a billion brain cells. "Well, they hate messy rooms. You won't find an underpants gnome _ever _walking into a room like this."

"Y-you're—ngh—right." Craig Tucker you are so fucking brilliant. Can someone please just give me a reward? Jesus.

Tweek awkwardly stepped around me. I noticed that he constantly walked on his tiptoes, and was careful not to touch any trash. The mug of coffee in his hands was held in a death grip close to his chest. I smirked and closed the door, emitting a concerned squeak from the coffee addict.

"Just sit on my bed," I told Tweek, "I'll take Stripe out." I began to walk over to my guinea pig's palace when I heard Tweek mumble something incomprehensible.

"What was that?" I asked, tapping the medal bars lightly to wake the sleeping cutie (yet another word that is only meant for Stripes).

"I—ack—said that my room is safe from the underpants gnomes too." He whispered. I didn't bother turning around to look at him, just continued tapping on the cage's bars.

"Really? Is it a fucked up mess like mine?" I chuckled. Stripe emerged groggily from his little hut.

"N-no…" Tweek mumbled. He then continued muttering quietly to himself, but I didn't catch it.

"What?" I asked; the word damp with frustration.

"I don't wear underwear anymore! So, the underpants gnomes have nothing to take!" He squealed, and I snapped around to look at him so fast that I actually hurt my neck.

"Ouch, shit." I growled, rubbing the back of my neck. "Are you saying you're commando under those jeans of yours?" Tweek's face was bright red as he nodded. I slapped an annoyed hand to my forehead, "Jesus Christ…this better be worth it, Kenny."

"W-what?" The blonde cocked his head to the side curiously. I simply flipped him off and proceeded to take Stripe out of his cage.

"Nothing." Holding the guinea pig caringly to my chest, I sat down on the end of the bed facing Tweek, who was sitting cross-legged by my pillow (useless information: I only sleep with one pillow because I don't understand why people need a fucking million of them). I set Stripe down onto my covers (yeah that's kind of gross, but eh…) and let him curiously shuffle over to Tweek. The blonde set his mug of coffee down on my night table and watched Stripe with an equal amount of interest. He held out a thin trembling hand, and the rodent sniffed at it before giving it a quick lick. Tweek's green eyes lit up; a tiny grin adorned his pale face. Hesitantly, he scooped Stripe up and held him to his chest, petting the furry bastard's head with a thin finger.

Something warm and tingly began to prickle in my chest. It was Tweek, he looked… (Oh God I can't believe I'm about to write this down about a human being) adorable. As soon as that thought crossed my mind I shook my head vigorously from side to side, dismissing it.

"Augh! Craig!" Tweek suddenly shrieked, still clutching Stripe. I flinched and angrily flipped him off.

"Fuck. What?" I growled.

"A-are you sick? Your face is all—ngh—red!" I felt at my face awkwardly, and sure enough, it was warm. Hmm, I had to be sick, this never happened.

"I think so." I said monotonously. "Uh…Yeah I am."

"Ack! Jesus man! You could infect me! I should get—ngh—home anyways." I nodded, agreeing with his statement. The sooner Tweek left my house the better. Then I could figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.

The blonde gently handed Stripe back to me and I put him away. Tweek proceeded to tiptoe out of my room, and all the wrong words were flashing across my mind (gross words like, endearing, sweet, adorable, cute, etc.). Yeah, he needed to get the hell out of here. I must be dying or some shit.

It wasn't until I was about to slam the front door in his face when I remembered the reason I invited Tweek over in the first place. Plan C. Before he could turn to walk home, I said, "Hey Tweek," the blonde looked at me expectantly, "Token's having a party at his house on Friday. You should go." Tweek began to wring the bottom of his button up shirt.

"I don't know man. Parties are a lot of pressure." He squeaked unsurely.

"Come on, it will be fun." I said blandly (my voice isn't very convincing). "I talked to Token and he said he really wants you to be there." Lie.

"Really? Clyde—ngh—too?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah." Lie. "We'll all hang out with you. No pressure." You won't feel pressure when you're drunk anyway. Tweek was silent for a minute, before releasing an odd sound from his throat.

"Okay. What—ack—time?"

"Just come whenever." I smirked, and began to close the door.

"Wait! Craig…"

"Hm?" I paused to hear what he had to say.

"I-I enjoyed seeing Stripe today." And then, he was gone.

Later, the image of Tweek and my guinea pig would not leave my mind. I would be lying if I said I was only a little bit excited for this party on Friday. The sooner I got this damn kiss the better. Then I could ditch the twitchy freak and forget this ever happened.

XXX

I was about to go to sleep at 11:30 (as I did every night) when my cell phone vibrated from my nightstand. This had better be fucking important to interrupt my usual nightly routine. I had a black razor phone; you know those really thin ones that were like, the shit when they first came out? Yeah, pretty lame, but everyone had lame phones in South Park. In fact, mine was probably one of the nicest. But of course, Token had the whole town envious while rocking the iPhone 4, patiently waiting for the iPhone 5 (Jesus Christ, can you believe they've already started that shit?). And, speaking of the rich bastard, he was the one who texted me.

_Dude, why r u trying to b friends with Tweek? I would hav asked earlier, but I didn't no if u wanted 2 say it in front of Clyde. _

Hmm...Good move Token. The last thing I needed was Clyde to hear about the _real _reason I was starting to hang with Tweek. God, I'd have Kenny dry humping me for the rest of my life. Usually, I would ignore this message and simply go to sleep, but I was feeling oddly generous tonight.

_It's a long story...long story short…I made a deal with Kenny, and if I get the twitchy fuck to kiss me, he'll leave me alone. _

It was only a few minutes before I got a response, and I felt a little retarded sitting with my phone, waiting like a love-sick school girl or something.

_…Only u Craig -_-;;. Just don't get hurt or anything. _

His last sentence, "_Just don't get hurt or anything_", kind of confused me. Even as I finally went to sleep that night, I pondered on what the hell Token could have been talking about. I couldn't see how I would get hurt with the situation I had put myself in. Sure, maybe I'd get disappointed if I didn't get what I wanted…but _hurt_?

I fell asleep dismissing what Token had said (well…texted) and never bothered to think of it again. Forgetting the conversation existed.

**It was kind of short, but the next chapter will be longer (and written better .) with the party and everything c:. Thanks for reading!**

**Oh yeah, in the past chapter I referred to Craig's guinea pig as Stripes, but then I realized it's actually just Stripe. So I changed it. I may go back and change it some time in the earlier chapters. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey has anyone been reminded of a Tweek and Craig relationship when they hear the song, Ice, by LIGHTS? Anyway, here's chapter…five I think? Thanks again for the reviews; they mean so much to me. Really, it makes me happy knowing I've written something that makes other people happy. **

***Disclaimer: I do not own South Park **

**[Straightened Hair] **

I wasn't completely aware of how deep I was beginning to fall into this little deal that Kenny McCormick and I had created. For the remainder of the week, I fucked up my whole school routine so I could follow Tweek around and try to get on his good side. For example, I walked the spaz to each and every one of his classes (with some help from Token, I found out his schedule). Also, I ate lunch at his lonely table while he rambled about the government and stacked dry cereal (Clyde wasn't very happy about that). And, I'd order something ludicrously sweet at Harbuck's after school so I could talk with Tweek some more. Yeah, I would have denied having any relation to the boy if asked…but honestly, I was having a hard time remembering my mission (yes mission, now shut the hell up).

The thing was that Tweek was becoming less of a chore to hang out with, and more of a pleasure. I realized that, under all of those spazzing convulsions he had, was a really cool guy that I'd probably be really close to. And soon, the nervous twitches that Tweek carried didn't even bother me. In fact they were a bit…endearing? God, I don't know, but for some reason I liked them. Like, it was Thursday, and Tweek and I were having lunch together. He had Cheerios today and actually decided to eat them instead of play with them. It took Tweek a million tries to get one of the tiny O's in his mouth, because his hand was shaking so much. I couldn't help but smile (remember how I never smile?).

Then, something odd crossed my mind. I began looking at his lips (which were nothing special really), his small nose that was curved and pointed slightly upward, and his huge green eyes that reflected every emotion he was feeling. My eyes also scanned through his hair. It was so fucked up, and yet looked so soft despite the millions of tangles that called it home. Occasionally a stray lock would fall into Tweek's eyes, and he would freak out. So I thought, _at least I get to kiss someone attractive. _Actually, my brain stopped me from finishing the internal sentence. I didn't want to sound like a fag, even if it is in my own mind.

However, all fagginess aside, I was kind of glad Tweek wasn't ugly. I mean, I'm Craig Tucker, beautifully average, but incredibly selfish. I didn't want some ugly person touching these lips. They were (_are_) prime real estate, and not just anyone could kiss them. They had to pass my, you-are-the-lucky-bastard-who-gets-to-kiss-me-this-week test. One, nice hair (Tweek had that…kind of). Two, a _clean_ body (Tweek looked like he had a sense of hygiene). And three, boobs. Okay…I guess he fell a little short in that department. But if Tweek did have boobs, I think it'd be a complete turn off. Shit, not that he turned me on or anything.

Anyway, the whole "friendship" thing was going swimmingly and the week rolled by in no time. This meant that Party Plan C was in motion.

XXX

Eh, I'm not going to waist too much time telling you about how I got ready. But, it's worth mentioning because I actually changed my clothes. Yeah, tonight was important, if everything worked out correctly, it would be the last day that Kenny would be hanging on my ass. So, to celebrate I wore my favorite Red Racer t-shirt (that fit me nice and snug for the ladies), a pair of black skinny jeans, and red high-top converse to match the shirt. My head would be hatless tonight as well. So with a fluff of my black hair, I was out the door.

XXX

If anyone knows how to throw a party in South Park, it's Token. Mostly because his parents are never fucking home, and his house is huge. That's why I wasn't surprised when I saw almost all of the Park County student body moshing it up in Token's living room. The lights were dim and the music was blaring to the point of shaking the floor. I couldn't put a finger on the song (some techno melody, probably Daft Punk), but it was a hell of a lot better than Justin Beiber or some other shit that would inevitably play later.

Immediately, I began making my way through sweaty bodies and damaged furniture to get to the kitchen. As I passed through the doorway it was like I'd died and gone to heaven. Almost every kind of liquor known to man was shoved onto Token's granite counter top. There were blue plastic cups strewn all over the place, and I grabbed two that looked relatively clean. One was for me, and the other was for Tweek.

I shoved over a large bottle of Captain's to make room for my newly obtained cups. The kitchen was fairly deserted, so I had no trouble searching through the fridge for some juice. Tweek had mentioned to me that his favorite kind was apple, and luckily, Token had it. I poured Tweek's cup half full of Mott's freshly squeezed, then hesitated before picking up some random bottle and dumping the clear liquid inside. I tasted the concoction before adding in some more apple juice. That should do it. I just filled my own cup with booze and was ready to party.

That is, until I saw a sickeningly familiar dirty blonde make his way into the kitchen.

Kenny sauntered into the room already fucking tanked. His shirt was mysteriously missing, revealing about a million scars covering his chest, stomach, and arms. What the hell did that boy do in his free time? Kenny, apparently, hadn't noticed my presence yet as he poured his blue cup full of more poison. I couldn't help growling in disgust. That unintelligent action caught the boy's attention. Kenny looked over to me and gave me a lustful smile.

"Hey Craig," he drawled, slurring his words heavily. "W-what's up bro?" A dirty arm snaked around my shoulder. Holy shit, he smelt so bad: a heavy mixture of B.O and alcohol.

"Jesus Christ Kenny," I muttered, shoving him off of me then retrieving my two drinks, "It's only 10 o'clock."

"Craiiggg," Kenny whined, propping himself up against the counter, "why don't you fuck meeeeee?" He held out his arms in what, I guess was supposed to be, an invitation. I sneered and downed half of my glass (er…plastic).

"Hell no, I'm not that wasted yet." I grumbled, before penetrating into the sweaty mass of teenagers. I heard Kenny groan "I'll be waiting" behind me.

XXX

I didn't want to join the endless mosh pit that had been formed for quite a while now, so I contently drank my third cup of beer leaning against the wall. Occasionally I'd throw out a flirty comment to some hot girl, but other wise I was focused on picking Tweek out of the crowd. It couldn't be that hard, I mean, seriously.

I felt a light poke on my right shoulder and glanced over at a very scantily dressed, Bebe Stevens. I was more than a little disappointed. Because I was hoping she would be Tweek…and I hated that bitch. But, she bore good news, so I let that slide.

"Hey, there's some blonde kid at the front door who's looking for you!" She shouted over the music.

"Oh, you mean Tweek?" I yelled back, my voice barely audible even to my own ears. Bebe pouted for a moment, and a hint of confusion flashed across her brown eyes.

"That was Tweek? Jeez, I barely recognized him! But yeah, he's looking for you!"

As I, once again, braved the crowds (trying desperately not to spill Tweek's drink), I couldn't help but think of how drunk Bebe must be. I mean, I'd have to be on the verge of passing out to not be able to recognize Tweek. It was _Tweek_ for God's sake! But, as soon as I caught site of the shivering blonde standing by the front door, I had to do a double take. Suddenly, I knew why people probably couldn't distinguish him.

Tweek was wearing a pair of snug grey jeans accompanied by brown Converse. He had on a large olive sleeveless hoodie that was zipped up. Under that he had on a tight brown long-sleeved shirt that clung to his thin arms. It wasn't the outfit that was so unusual, as it was the _hair_. Tweek's normally out of control lion's mane was actually straightened and fell lightly around his face, ending at chin length. Though, his hair didn't look like an ugly bob (like Pip's), it looked more choppy at the ends and layered towards the top. His long bangs (that would have inevitably been in his face) were all parted to the side and held in place by two bobby pins.

He looked so fucking adorable just standing there looking all nervous. In fact, my brain was slightly buzzed so it didn't even care that I was throwing words like that around as I made my way over to him.

"Hey Tweek!" I managed over the blaring base. The blonde jumped about a foot into the air before relaxing into his usual tremors.

"Gah! H-hi Craig!" Tweek shrieked, pulling at the bottom of his shirt.

"You look good tonight!" I normally would have never said this, but like I said earlier, I was beginning to get a bit tipsy.

"What'd you say?" The caffeine addict cupped a small hand around his ear and leaned in slightly closer to me.

"I said, you look good tonight!" A goofy smirk had plastered itself on my face. I was excited to see Tweek's reaction to the compliment. However, his face just twitched in confusion.

"C-can you—ngh—repeat that?" He shouted nervously, leaning in a bit closer. I was beginning to get slightly irritated, so without much thought I grabbed his boney wrist. Tweek rewarded me with a lovely screech as I dragged him out of the living room and up Token's spiraled stair case. I held my plastic cup between my teeth and Tweek's in my other hand. Kicking open the nearest door (a guest bedroom), I shoved Tweek inside before finally letting him go, closing the door behind me.

"Jesus Christ man! Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" Tweek dove onto the large bed in the center of the room, and cocooned himself protectively inside the plush white blankets. I downed the rest of my drink before unceremoniously discarding it onto the floor. Up here, the music was just a dull sound that would occasionally shake the floor.

"Relax; I don't want to kill you. It's too fucking loud downstairs to have a conversation." I sighed, sitting carefully on the corner of the bed. Tweek poked his head out of the protective shell he had made for himself and sat up slowly.

"O-oh…augh." His eye twitched involuntarily.

"Anyway, what I was trying to say downstairs was, I think you look good tonight." I shifted my position so that I was facing him. An attractive smirk snaked its way across my lips, but once again, I didn't get any reaction from the blonde besides an embarrassed twitch.

"T-thanks...I told my mom—ngh—that I was going to a party tonight, and she wanted me to look—ack—nice. So, she did my hair." He said, awkwardly pulling at a flat lock. I chuckled at the image of Tweek getting his hair straightened and looked down at my hands. The blue cup I was holding reminded me of why he was here.

"Oh," I said quickly, "I got you something to drink. I told Token you were coming, so he had apple juice in the fridge." I held out the lukewarm liquid to him. Tweek hesitated before shakily taking the drink. He sniffed at it suspiciously.

"There's no alcohol in it…is there?" He asked, swishing the substance around and eyeing it curiously.

"Who cares if there is?" I shrugged indifferently. I had forgotten Tweek's paranoia would probably be a set back.

"Jesus! If there's alcohol in here I could—gah—die!" He squealed, spilling a bit of the juice onto the white comforter. I groaned, assuming his fearful brain was causing him to think that one cup of alcohol would kill him.

"No, you won't die Tweek." He began to protest again but I cut him off. "If there is alcohol in there, then every thing will be fine. I'll make sure you won't die okay? I'm CPR certified." Okay, that was a lie, but it did get the twitchy spaz to calm down. He glanced at the liquid one more time before taking a shaky sip. Tweek smacked his lips together experimentally. After a few seconds he took another drink, this time a large gulp. I smiled wickedly to myself.

XXX

So, the drink I've made Tweek must either be extremely strong, or the boy has never drunk a sip of alcohol in his life; because he was about three quarters of the way done with his "apple juice", and tipsy as hell. And let me tell you, Tweek is fucking hilarious when he's drunk. The usual twitchy nature of the blonde seemed to dissolve away with a calmer and dopier swaying. Tweek would laugh at almost any noise and awkwardly try to pull at his hair, always missing. I was getting drunk just by looking at him.

"Cr-Craig," he giggled, with half lidded eyes, "w-why are you always…hanging out w-with me now?" Tweek swayed his head back and forth like he was listening to slow paced music. I chuckled and said my next line carelessly (there was no way he'd be able to remember this in the morning).

"Maybe I want to get in your pants." I smirked darkly, remembering that he probably had no underwear on. I was hoping that Tweek was a whore when he was drunk. That would make this so much easier. But instead he just laughed and punched me lazily in the arm, taking another swig of his solution.

"H-hasn't Kenneth (Kenneth?) told you t-that I'm," he had a short giggle fit before continuing, "asexual?" I frowned irritably.

"Come on, no one's asexual."

"Y-yeah huhhhhhh. I am; relationships are w-way to much pressureeee." Tweek downed the rest of his drink before continuing his lazy swaying. His eye lids were so droopy that I could only see a small part of his bright green pupils.

"How do you know if you've never tried?" I said huskily, leaning in towards the dopey blonde; a hint of a smile passed Tweek's lips as he began to clumsily lean into me as well.

"I've never k-kissed anyone before." He whispered, leaning his head in close. Our lips were inches away, and my heart was beating erratically inside my chest. I could feel blood pumping into my face and couldn't help but wonder why the blonde was making me have such an excited reaction. His putrid poisoned breath coated my face, and our lips were just about to touch, when suddenly his face fell away from mine. I blinked in confusion for a moment, before looking down to where I felt a heavy weight resting on my thigh.

Tweek had passed out.

There are no words to describe how pissed off I was. So close, I was _so fucking close_! I could have gone into an ALL CAPS RAGE for crying out loud! In fact, I actually screamed out every curse word I could and stood up, uncaringly kicking Tweek's head off of my leg in the process. I left him in the room and slammed the door shut as I exited. I was met by Token, who looked at me suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. I flipped him off and stomped down the hall.

"Tweek's in there." I growled between my teeth. "Make sure you take him home later." And then, I was gone. I walked home without my jacket and didn't even care. My anger could have heated me for an eternity.

"Fuck!" I yelled, kicking a block of ice in my path. As soon as it connected with my foot I felt an intense pain shoot up my toe. "Goddamn it pussy licking monkey shit!" I shouted, now hobbling down the sidewalk. Damn it, what was I going to do now? Get Tweek drunk _again? _Go back to Plan B? Aw hell, I didn't even want to think about it.

So, I limped home, wallowing in my self pity. Yeah, all in all, it was a pretty good night (you know sarcastic text when you read it, right?).


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry, school is making it hard for me to update :c **

***Disclaimer: I do not own South Park **

**[Canned Ravioli] **

I woke up at the early hour of one in the afternoon on Saturday. My head was only dully throbbing because I actually didn't drink much at last night's party. So, for a second, I was actually in a good mood…until the events of said party decided to hit me like fucking Chris Brown (too soon?). Immediately my good mood was crumpled up and slammed into a wall of steal. A feeling of frustration and self loathing filled the pit of my stomach. I groaned loudly and rolled over in bed, glaring at the clock that sat on my nightstand table. I then proceeded to flip it off for no reason.

Now, by nature, I'm a really fucking selfish person. So, while normal people would say, "man, getting a small blonde kid drunk (to the point where he passes out), really isn't worth the school whore to leave you alone", I'd say, "fucking Tweek…can't hold down a drink…". And in fact I did. I mumbled insults about the twitchy teen for about ten minutes before hearing my phone buzz against my floor. Blindly, I let a bare arm hang off the side of the bed and search for the electronic dinosaur. I flipped the phone open and held it close to my face, frowning when I saw multiple missed-calls and unread text messages.

I naturally ignored the missed-calls and randomly opened one of the messages I had just received. It was from Clyde.

_Dude! Call Token NOW! U WONT BELIEVE WAT HAPPENED D: _

I subconsciously flipped off the stupid emoticon (only Clyde would take time to add that stupid little face in). I then flipped to my inbox, which had three more unread messages. Each of them was from Token.

_Dude, wake up already. _

_ Come on seriously! Call me. _

_ Answer ur damn phone! It's about Tweek. _

The last one caught my attention. So much so that I actually sat up quickly in bed, like the phone was suddenly barfing secret government information all over the screen. I flipped my annoying hair out of my eyes and re-read the last message three times before calling Token. I didn't really know why I cared so much, and at the time I also didn't bother to question it. There was just a sinking feeling weighing down my stomach, like I drank three tons of lard. Token answered on the fourth ring.

"Finally," He mumbled into the phone (what? Does no one have telephone etiquette anymore?), "what were you doing? I've been trying to call you for the last two hours."

"Sleeping, ass-whole." I grumbled irritably, scratching my head and kicking the remaining sheets off my bed. "So, what's this about Tweek?" I asked, trying to keep my voice its usual monotone self. However, to my distaste, a hint of concern could be detected. Someone dense like Clyde probably wouldn't have noticed it, but I know Token did.

"So you know how you left Tweek passed out in my guest room—which I'll just question some other time…" I flipped him off for that last part, even though he couldn't see it. "Well, I checked up on him, just to make sure he was alright, and his face was blue."

I was silent, not really sure what to make of that. Then, my slow ass brain finally made the brilliant connection that a person's face only turned blue if they weren't breathing. Suddenly, my grip of the phone became tighter and the conversation quickly became much more interesting. "You mean he wasn't fucking breathing?"

"Yeah, I tried shaking him and everything, he was out cold." Token said calmly. "I called 911 then had to kick everyone out before they got there. It was a disaster."

"And this whole time Tweek was fucking _not breathing?"_ Yeah, remember when I said I never use exclamation points? My reaction was completely uncharacteristic. Hell, if Token was telling me my sister passed out last night, I'd probably just be cussing at him for waking me up.

"It only took them a few minutes to get to Tweek." Token assured me, "He's at Hell's Pass now…his parents said he's doing fine."

"When did you talk to his parents?"

"They called me this morning, thanking me for keeping an eye on Tweek." I growled somewhat possessively and that freaked me out. Token was going to ask me something, but I quickly cut him off with another question.

"Dude, he had one drink. How the hell did he pass out and get to that point?"

"I was wondering that too," Token admitted. "His parents told me that Tweek's on a shit load of medication. Like, serious medication, for schizophrenia and stuff. They're really strong pills Craig, when mixed with alcohol, bad stuff happens." He paused a minute for dramatic effect or something. "Tweek's dad said they talked to him about drinking before he left…you didn't have anything to do with the fact that Tweek got drunk, did you?"

And suddenly a memory flashed before my eyes. When Tweek mentioned that he'd die from drinking alcohol (or something stupid like that). I initially thought that it was only his ridiculous paranoia, but now…

"I didn't have anything to do with it." I snarled angrily. "Tweek's a fucking dumb-ass for getting tanked when he knew what would happen." Token was silent on the other end of the phone. I knew he'd probably be glaring at me if he were here.

"Alright…" Silence. "Stan's gang is at the hospital. I feel kind of bad; maybe we should go too—" I cut him off again.

"Wait, Stan's posse of pussies is there?" I barked furiously. I mean seriously, why the fuck would they be visiting Tweek? It's not like they ever talked to the kid like I did (granted, I only began talking to him like, three days ago…for pretty douchey reasons). Do they know he likes rodents? I bet they don't. I bet they also don't know Tweek drinks his coffee black. Or that he eats dry cereal all the time because normal school lunches freak him out. Oh, and the fact that—wait. I'm loosing myself here. What was I…oh yeah (*coughs*) erm…I was pissed that the "faggy foursome" would even bother concerning themselves with the blonde. If anyone was supposed to be concerned; it should be me.

And, the fact that I was, also kind of confused me.

"Dude, Craig, if you want to go visit too—" I momentarily forgot that I was still on the phone with Token. "—I'd be willing to give you a ride."

"Fuck that, I'm not spending my Saturday in Hell's Pass. See yah." I flipped my phone shut and lay back down; thinking that was that.

XXX

After a party, my favorite thing to do is sleep until my parents think I'm dead. So, explain to me, why I was sitting on a bus next to a stinky old lady on my way to Hell's Pass Hospital. Oh, that's right, you can't explain to me because I'm the writer and you are the reader. Therefore, you have no true way of communicating with me. But I digress, I'm sure you've got it all figured out anyway.

But I, at the time, had not. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't concerned for twitch's well-being. In fact, I was sold on the idea that I was still an incredibly selfish ass-whole who thought Tweek could possibly be high on painkillers and kiss me. Although, I'm not really sure why he would need painkillers…maybe when they were loading him into the ambulance, he flailed out (in that insane way that he does) and hit his head (God damn it, what the fuck was wrong with me?). Mulling over this idea in my mind, the old hag next to me pulled on the cord for the bus to stop. Only the screech and sudden inertia (dude, look at how smart I am, Newton's First Law bitches) was enough to launch me out of my semi-homo day dreams. Slightly irritated, I flipped the woman off then looked out the window, surprised to see that the bus made a stop a few blocks from the hospital. I quickly shot out of my seat and gave the bus driver the bird before leaping onto the sidewalk.

Hell's Pass Hospital is a really fucking ugly building. It's dull and gray, made of old cement that has about a million cracks in it. A few of the cracks are sealed half-assed with some kind of white stuff (get your mind out of the gutter), and all of the attempted landscaping techniques were an epic fail. The grass surrounding the building was shit brown; contrasting nicely with the (somehow _always_) cloudy gray sky.

I stalked to the front desk, where a fat nurse was busy eating out of a Chef Boyardee ravioli can. She seemed so infatuated with the artificial food that I had to kick the side of the counter for her to finally look up. The woman glared at me for a moment before rudely asking me why I was here.

"My friend Tweek Tweak was admitted to the hospital yesterday." I answered, biting back piles of insults that would spew from my lips like venomous vomit. "Could you tell me what room he's in…please?" The nurse raised a bushy eyebrow before harshly setting down her can of "ravioli". Bits of the repulsive sauce spattered onto my face and I almost had to restrain myself from completely loosing it.

"Ah yes Tweek Tweak," she mumbled, a greasy sheet of paper held in her large hands, "that kid with the cocaine problem." Ugh, fat bitch. "He's in room 304. Elevator's down the hall on the right." My parting gift to her was two middle fingers and a sweet "thank you".

I walked to the elevator, listened to crappy music for about a minute, yadda yadda yadda…

I could already tell which room Tweek would be in before I actually got there. This was because I could hear the scratchy voice of Cartman bellowing through the halls. He was going off on Jewish people or some shit. You know: the usual. So I walked into the room completely unannounced, closing the door loudly behind me. This action was rewarded with a shaky "Gah! Jesus Christ!" and blissful silence.

Token was right; Stan's whole flaming group was there, plus Butters. I really detested Butters, but at the moment he seemed to be absorbing most of Kenny's attention, so his presence didn't piss me off as much as it usually did. Instinctively, my blue eyes swept over the room and fell still on the white cot that sat awkwardly in the middle of it all. Well actually, my eyes fell still on the boy lying in that cot. Tweek was wearing only a thin paper hospital gown, and his hair had sprung back up to its usual messy state. I didn't know it was possible for him to become fucking paler than he already was, but he managed. There were dark purples shadows underneath his giant eyes, and wires stuck out of almost every surface of both his arms. My eyes drank up his nervous state, and I didn't really pay attention to any other details in the room.

"Oh, hey Craig," Stan said awkwardly. I kept my eyes on Tweek, "did you want to come see Tweek too?"

"Yep," I quickly glanced over to Kenny, who smirked obnoxiously, "leave." Stan raised an eyebrow.

"What? Why?"

"It's bad enough I'm wasting my Saturday here." My careless statement received a whimper from Tweek in response. "I don't want to see all your fuggly faces too." Kyle pouted.

"Craig you can't just—"

"Actually Kyle," Kenny broke in, his focus momentarily leaving Butters, "we should go. We've been with Tweek all morning."

"Fuck yeah," Cartman piped in, "I'm sick of this place, the food sucks." I could say that I was slightly grateful for Kenny's persuasive suggestion, but I still hated him. So, he was simply granted with a glare from yours truly.

"Tweek, you alright if we bail?" Stan asked, and my attention was once again brought to the startled teenager.

"Augh…" his eye twitched inelegantly, "…ye-yeah, thanks for visiting me g-guys." Tweek gave each of them a shaky smile. And so, the revolting group of boys left in silence, closing the door quietly behind them. Tweek flinched at the noise anyway. Then, the sterile room was plunged into an awkward silence.

"Um…" I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck nervously, "…about last night, I'm really sorry for giving you that drink. I didn't know…" At a loss for words, I simply gave a vague gesture towards his direction. Tweek's face flushed with embarrassment and his thin hands twisted into the white hospital sheets.

"I-it's okay." He murmured then twitched violently. "Y-you can sit—ngh." I took his advice and plopped down into a hard metal chair that sat right next to Tweek's cot. After another long moment I finally spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Ack—about what?"

"That you were on a bunch of shit." I growled, gripping the seat of the chair tightly.

Tweek whimpered and suddenly looked very interested in the plain sheet that covered him. I watched the blonde, quietly waiting for an answer.

"Do you—gah—know why I take m-meds?" He whispered.

"Token said it was schizophrenia or something." Tweek's head shot up and he gazed at me with a worried expression. Like at any moment I'd just get up and walk away (which, sadly, wouldn't be too surprising.).

"Y-yeah…and—ngh—other stuff."

"So, who cares? That doesn't answer my—"

"I-I didn't want you to leave again!" Tweek suddenly spluttered. I could feel the unwelcome expression of shock grace my face, and I was frozen in my seat, unable to form a coherent thought. Not that it mattered, because Tweek began to talk again. He spoke quickly, vomiting out an embarrassing confession. "I-in sixth grade, you stopped—ngh—hanging out with me because I wasn't like everyone else! Jesus, I'm a complete freak and completely—gah—isolated myself! W-when you stopped hanging out with me I got really—erk—sad. B-but then, you began hanging out with me again! S-so I thought, you didn't think I was a—ack—freak anymore! And if y-you knew that I took—ngh—that I took….that I took…" big fat tears were leaking out of his glassy eyes and rolling down his pale cheeks. Tweek wiped his face with the sheet, breathing heavily to continue. "…that I took pills for-for—gah—mental problems…you'd…abandon me…again."

I can't describe the kind of things I was feeling after that chilling, pitiful confession. I, Craig Tucker (Craig _motherfucking _Tucker), felt the heaviest most despicable, revolting, raw guilt rip into my chest. I never felt guilty, not for anyone. I had made an old lady cry once, and her tears didn't have any effect on me. But Tweek, oh God, Tweek's tears were killing me. And, there was nothing more that I wanted than for those tears to stop.

Silently, I reached out and gently took Tweek's shaking hand into my own. The quivering boy sniffled, and glanced up at me in pure confusion. I was quiet, and let my gaze fall to where I was holding his hand, surprised to see that I was stroking his smooth skin comfortingly with my thumb. I don't know how long we sat that way; I just know that when the last tear fell, I felt a sentiment of warm accomplishment.

**I promise to write a better chapter when I'm not drowning in school work -_-. I just wanted to get this in. So, uhm, review? Maybe? Please?**


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